When the people behind teaching social skills to autistic people got the idea, they were operating under the assumption that we simply didn’t have any social skills. Essentially, they thought there were holes in our programming just waiting for someone to insert the missing code that would enable us to run the “regular human” software bug-free.
However, their premise was deeply flawed, because we already have social skills. AUTISTIC social skills. So when they put us in these social skills programs, they’re actually trying to overwrite pre-existing code, not fill in some empty gaps.
Not only does this not feel very good to us, but there’s growing evidence that it’s not even all that effective. Those “skills” rarely ever become as automatic as they want them to be, we often still struggle to find real friendship, and we usually end up with low self esteem and/or social anxiety for our trouble.
Even still, there are some people who struggle to navigate neuronormative ways who would like some kind of help with decoding neurotypical social norms. Even if you don’t want to fully replace your own programming with theirs, it might be nice if you could at least understand it, right?
But how do you teach NT social skills without making ND people feel bad about their own set of skills? Can it even be done?
Well the neurotypical people who created the most popular social skills programs out there may not have been able to conceive of such a thing, but yes, it CAN be done - and here’s how.
ND = Neurodivergent, which means anyone with a neurobiology that operates differently from what society has deemed “the norm.” (Social skills classes are most often recommended for autistic people, but not exclusively. So ND is not being used here as a stand in for “autistic” only, but in the most inclusive way possible.)
NT = Neurotypical, which means anyone with a neurobiology that operates comfortably within what society has deemed “the norm” (aka neuronormative culture).
At the time of writing, I only know of one program that actually does this, and it can be found on AUsome Training's website here.
IMAGE DESCRIPTION: An infographic by Autball entitled: Can Social Skills Ever Be Neuro-Affirming?
Two white boxes on a purple/navy background contain text in a list format.
Box one reads: WHAT THEY USUALLY DO:
Shame ND ways of thinking, feeling, playing, and socializing;
Frame NT ways as the right way and ND ways as the wrong way;
Target ND kids;
Aim to assimilate ND kids into neuronormative culture;
Tell ND people they have to do this in order to make and keep friends;
Train people to worry more about what others think of them than their own wants and needs;
Teach masking;
Set ND folks up to now know what real friendship is and get taken advantage of.
Box two reads: WHAT THEY COULD DO:
Validate ND ways of thinking, feeling, playing, and socializing;
Frame ND ways and NT ways as equally valid;
Teach both NT and ND kids about each other;
Present it as an optional way to more safely navigate neuronormative culture;
Tell ND people that true friends will like them for who they are;
Promote self-acceptance and self-advocacy skills;
Teach ABOUT masking and the risks that come with it;
Help ND folks spot the difference between real friends and fake friends.
Across the bottom is bold white text that reads: Treat it like teaching a second language, without insulting or trying to replace our natural ways of being, and maybe they can be.
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